Fake Football

Bitter much?

2010-10-27T14:24:00.001-04:00

"Oregon's definitely going to lose because they suck and we should be #1! Auburn sucks too!"

No, not desperate at all. Shut up.

2010-07-08T17:55:00.004-04:00

Look, I don't care what the rest of you people think, we Clevelanders aren't grasping at straws. Everything is totally looking up for us. And to top it off, the Browns have just made a move that I'm pretty sure guarantees us at least three Super Bowl titles. So step off.

Browns sign receiver Bobby Engram

Bet you're all feeling pretty sick with envy right about now, huh?

Desperate much?

2010-07-08T16:55:00.002-04:00

Cleveland is grasping at straws at this point...and I think it's kinda funny. Although, Lebron will look kinda weird playing for the Heat.

I have a thought.

2010-06-19T06:30:00.001-04:00

Can the Bills join the Pac-10? We promise to beat USC.

College Football is Fucked.

2010-06-12T17:20:00.004-04:00

The only conference coming out of this whole Big12 dissolution in any kind of positive light is going to be the Mountain West. The Pac-10 with schools like Oklahoma and Texas or (as I just read on ESPN) OU/UT or A&M going to the SEC is absurd.

Let me say that again.

ABSURD.

But, back to the Mountain West. Boise State is joining the party, which I've been advocating them to do for a few years now. That's going to put them in a conference that has competition, rather than whatever crap teams are even in the WAC besides Hawaii. Nevada? Psh. Now we can see what they're made of when they have to play Utah, TCU, and BYU every year. I'm excited.

Also, there's this talk about the MWC picking up Kansas, KSU, and Mizzou. While Mizzou is a bit of a stretch (they would have to become the Mountain West-of-the-Mississippi Conference...MWotM...I like it), I don't really have much of a problem with it. Those are pretty decent football teams, at least through the past few years, so it's probably just going to increase the strength of the conference.

Also, as has been pointed out to me, the Rose Bowl is completely fucked. I hope everyone's ready for Nebraska v. Texas in the f'ing ROSE BOWL every year.

This headline requires immortalization

2010-04-27T19:50:00.002-04:00

I guess we can add "prima donna wide receivers" to the list of people who don't take that question well, right after "several ex-girlfriends of mine" and "that kid from the Revere lacrosse team who got ejected from the game for punching me in the head."

Jimmy Clausen is the least photogenic human being ever

2010-04-22T13:24:00.003-04:00

I may not have had a chance to blog much lately, but there's always time for hilarious pictures of Jimmy Clausen.

Don't even THINK it, Holmgren.

Also, in case anyone missed it:

ESPN adding fail

2010-04-19T15:24:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted any fun ESPN SportsNation polls lately, so here's a good one.

Last time I checked, 4+9=13, not 12. I answered "It's just 12 games," but if they had had their maths correct, I probably would have chosen "Very significant" for a couple reasons.

1) The Red Sox are my least favorite baseball team after the Phillies.

2) 13 games is over 8% of the season, and as such is a remarkably useful metric of how well a team will perform for the rest of the season, unless that team is the Phillies, in which case the inverse of the record through 13 games is the appropriate metric (especially this season - come on now, the Nats, the Astros, and the Nats again? Talk about an easy schedule - it's like playing AA teams.)

3) David Ortiz doped (edit: see this tweet by Bill Simmons. I snorted out loud when I read it) and Kevin Youkilis is a dick.

4) Red is the color of Cornell, and they _suck_.

I'll stop there. Also of note, another question was "Are the Red Sox (4-9) done?" I assume this was asking if the Red Sox were un-dynastyed, but the ambiguity could be exploited to come up with some funnies. But I'm too worn out as it is - I mean, it takes like, twice as long on a PC to deal with that screenshot than it does on a Mac.

Phwew.

PS: It should be noted that the Nationals (6-6) before yesterday's loss to the Brewers were over-.500 for the first time in TWO YEARS. WOOOOO!!! Also, the Pirates are 7-5 and in SECOND-PLACE in the NL Central. W. T. F. We have some good IM logs of Charlie ranting about the Reds, after they blew a 1-run lead in the bottom of the ninth to lose to the Pirates. Classic stuff.

PPS: Simon still sucks at fantasy baseball rofl.

What a shocking lapse in the standard journalistic excellence of NJ.com

2010-03-12T17:41:00.003-05:00

LaDaindian Tomlinsom? Seriously? I know his name is tricky, but come on, people. And that aside, what the hell kind of headline is that? He's going to have dinner with the Jets? Are they thinking about signing him or dating him? And is he really going to have dinner with the entire team? I understand using the team as a shorthand when saying things like "Browns sign Watson" or "Chester Taylor visiting the Bears," but going out for a meal doesn't really really seem like an activity which lends itself to that particular kind of synecdoche. Of course, maybe he is going out to dinner with the entire team, in which case I suggest Hometown Buffet unless he wants to shell out his entire annual salary to cover Rex Ryan and Kris Jenkins's meals.

And the fake Browns are on the board!

2010-03-08T21:58:00.002-05:00

Thanks to a long touchdown from Derek Anderson to...

wait for it...

that's right...

DONTE' STALLWORTH!

Yup, he just barrelled through the Jaguars secondary like...like...nevermind.

Bless you.

2010-03-08T16:59:00.002-05:00

I was complaining to Fatty about how the Browns blew a second round draft pick last year on David Veikune, a DE/convert-LB project who then recorded a smoking 0 tackles all season and he pointed out that no good NFL players ever come from the University of Hawaii. I agreed, but when I went to the internet to verify this, I realized I had to recant. Because of this guy:

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/A/AchiSn20.htm

Now that is a name.

Buh buh buh buhhhhhhhhhh!

2010-03-04T21:00:00.006-05:00

Wooooooo!!! Fake Football season starts TONIGHT!

Our opening night matchup is the especially intriguing....Texans vs. Bengals. Two pretty evenly matched teams, both led by good-but-not-quite-good-enough quarterbacks who have extremely talented wide receivers to throw at. Both teams are coming off somewhat inadequate seasons last year - the Texans finished last in the AFC South and 6-10, and the Bengals, although doing quite well in conference play, didn't make it out of the arguably very difficult AFC North, finishing with a 7-9 record. Both teams are pumped up and ready to play. They've looked pretty good in the preseason, with the Texans spanking the Bills somenumber to anumberthat'salotless, forcing Trent Edwards to throw 7 picks, and the Bengals just had six tough games against the Broncos, winning two, but keeping it very close and competitive in the other 4. This should be a good one.

Annnnnnnnd... they're off!

1st, 2:22 - The Texans take the opening kickoff and Matt Schaub picks apart the Bengals defense for about 80 yards, only to get picked off in the end zone. Oh well.

1st, 2:18 - Carson Palmer tries his best, but immediately squanders all the momentum his defense gave to him, throwing a pick on his first play. Oops.

1st, 1:22 - Matt Schaub makes the Bengals pay for not making the Texans pay for throwing a pick in the endzone by throwing a non-interception completion in the endzone. Texans 7-0.

2nd, 1:38 - After lots of 3-and-outs for both teams, the Texans put together a good, balanced drive and kick a 44-yard FG. Texans 10-0.

2nd, 1:23 - Tip drills! Texans LB (Morlon Greenwood? Never heard of him) tips a swing pass and after a few more tips, manages to grab it for another interception. The Bengals are not having a good offensive game.

2nd, 0:33 - A couple runs by Ahman Green (now at about 60 yards, averaging 5+/carry), Schaub connects with Andre Davis on a short out route. Texans 17-0.

2nd, 0:07 - The Bengals finally put together a decent drive, and grab a FG before the end of the half. Texans 17-3.

Halftime: Except for their last drive, the Bengals have looked anemic on offense, entirely unable to move the ball at all down the field. Palmer's been forcing passes left and right, and he's only tried a few riskier deep balls to Chad Johnson. The Texans, on the other hand, after a shaky beginning, are looking extremely confident on both offense and defense, racking up 179 total yards and 3 scores in 10 minutes and holding the Bengals to 61 (about 61 of which came on their last drive of the first half.) Maybe the Bengals are feeling those 6 games in 2 days they just finished playing. Let's move onto the second half...

3rd, 3:27 - The Bengals come out really pumped up and immediately drive 80 yards, right down the Texans throats with good running by Rudi Johnson and some great catches by Houshmandz and Johnson. They stalled a bit before punching it in, but completely throw off the Texans secondary with a great play-action fake. Texans 17-10.

3rd, 0:25 - The Bengals defense is bending but not breaking. After allowing the Texans about 4o yards, they force a missed FG, only to have Carson Palmer throw another pick on ensuing play. Tsk, tsk.

4th, 5:00 - This time Kris Brown makes it. Texans 20-10.

4th, 4:02 - There was just a graphic about time of possession. The Texans are out-possessing the Bengals, 11:30 - 4:30.

4th, 3:04 - The Bengals are going for it on 4th and 9. This is exciting. Anyone want to wager on a pick thrown here?

4th, 3:01 - Hard to throw a pick when you're on your back. Turnover on downs.

4th, 2:03 - The Texans probably could have run the ball (and the clock) for the rest of the game, but instead of handing it off to Ahman Green (19 for 90, 4.7yds/rush) on 3rd and 2, Matt Schaub throws a pick, letting the Bengals back in it (maybe).

4th, 1:51 - Carson Palmer doesn't want to be let back in the game, and promptly tries to force a pass to Houshmandz in quadruple coverage. Then overthrows Chad Johnson. Then - wait for it... - throws a pick. Oops. Let's see if the Texans learned from their last mistake.

4th, 1:41 - Well, they ran the ball. But, they gave the ball to Steve Slaton. Anyone want to guess what happened? Yeah, he fumbled. Well, I guess not; it just got overturned. They have to punt, anyway. Bengals will get the ball with about a minute left, down 10 with one timeout.

4th, 0:59 - HAHAHAHA. Demeco Ryans picks off Carson Palmer. CP's 5th of the game, landing him with a solid 23.6 QB rating. The Texans will kneel this one out.

End of Game: Texans 20, Bengals 10.

Well, what a game. The Texans showed a lot of life, the Bengals did not. Especially Carson Palmer, who looked like utter shit. The Bengals managed to keep it close, no matter how hard Palmer tried to give it away, and the Texans just weren't able to take advantage of the miscues often enough to really run away with it. Schaub and Green both had really good games, and the Texans defense matched up very well against the Bengals, only allowing a few big plays and keeping everything in front of them. If it weren't for Chad Ochocinco (henceforth, I'm going to call him Ochocinco, I mean, that is his real name) and Houshmandz, I think this game would have been far more out of hand. Instead of 173 total yards, I'd say the Bengals would have somewhere around 50. And I doubt that against tougher competition, especially in their division, the Bengals bend-don't-break defense will not hold up well.

I mean, seriously, even the Browns are "good" in this game.

Let's check in on Terrell Owens' offseason conditioning program, shall we?

2010-02-24T16:48:00.002-05:00

OH GOD NO NEVER MIND ABORT ABORT ABORT GET THE LYSOL AND EYE-GOUGING IMPLEMENTS

Reid's next move

2010-02-23T18:37:00.004-05:00

LT was released by the Chargers yesterday. Interesting enough, Brian Westbrook was released by the Eagles today.

Here's how I think it went down:

Phone rings
Phone continues to ring, answering machine picks up
"Yo, it's Brian. I'm not here right now, leave me a message and I'll hit you up later. Peace."

"Uh yeah, hey Brian, it's Andy. Listen, we're going to have to let you go. Sorry. "

I think we all know where this is going:

This just in: Jeremy Shockey is gross

2010-02-05T17:05:00.003-05:00

There probably aren't too many people out there whose rooting interest in Sunday's game is swayed dramatically by Jeremy Shockey's membership on the Saints, and even fewer who are actually finding that as a reason to root FOR the Saints, but rest assured, they do exist. To pick a totally random example, take Cynthia, an ecdysiast at Rick's Cabaret in New York, quoted in a NY Post article.

Saints' Shockey Has Many Stripper Fans

And yes, before you ask, "ecdysiast" is my new favorite word.

EDIT:
Best comment on that linked article: "He looks like John Goodman in a Pippi Longstocking wig."

From the mouths of idiots...

2010-02-05T12:26:00.002-05:00

...comes idiocy.

Thanks to Zoe for the video. Good find.

Even the British can find something to interest them at the Super Bowl

2010-02-05T11:37:00.002-05:00

Admittedly, it may be the o-so-thrilling bet between the Indianapolis and New Orleans art museums over paintings by a pair of landscape artists (only one of whom I had even heard of, but then again, I'm a philistine), but hey, at least they're giving it some press coverage.

BBC: Paintings hang on Super Bowl wager

Honestly, I think my favorite part of the whole story is the notion of a fevered football betting war (conducted via Twitter) between a pair of museum curators. Especially the bit where one of them curtly dismisses the other one's proposed stake of a jewel-encrusted cup as a "gaudy chalice". Because we all know that there would never be anything gaudy about the Super Bowl. Of course, if he did accept the cup and then won, he would just be opening the door to all kinds of "He chose...poorly" jokes, so maybe it's for the best. The ridiculous, stereotype-confirming twitter slapfest aside, I was also tickled by the final line of the article, "The annual Super Bowl is the biggest event in the US sporting calendar," mostly because I suspect that if the same article had appeared in a popular US periodical it would have been replaced by something like "Painting is a hobby involving placing colored paint onto sheets of cloth to form pictures, largely favored by Europeans and homosexuals."

That's not what the game I played was called

2010-02-03T13:30:00.003-05:00

With a smile creasing his face, [Saints DT Anthony Hargrove] said his approach to football is simple. "It's like when you're a kid and you play that game 'smear the guy with the football.' That's what I do."

I can only speak for myself, but I never played any game with such a cumbersome and dysphonic name. Nope, I played "tackle the guy with the football". I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

Hear his name and tremble, ACC

2010-01-28T18:06:00.003-05:00

The UVA Cavaliers just announced their new offensive coordinator, and his name is about as sweet as names get for middle-aged white guys. Ready for it?

Bill Lazor.

If that's not a name to strike fear into opposing defenses' hearts, then I don't know what would.

No photo was available, but an artist's rendering of Mr. Lazor looked like this.

Andy Murray swallows his prey whole

2010-01-28T10:23:00.003-05:00

Suggested captions:

Andy Murray takes a break from his semifinal to remind everyone that Legion comes out in theaters this weekend.
The blancmanges mean to win Wimbledon!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maran Cilic's last words were, "It's AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
The Scotsman is a widely misunderstood creature, but there is almost uncanny beauty about its strangeness.
Can you imagine what his face will look like if he actually wins?

Various Types of Itching

2010-01-25T21:13:00.003-05:00

I have prepared some graphs for your edification. Please enjoy.

Nope, guess Sidney Rice wasn't open

2010-01-25T14:53:00.005-05:00

Also, Brett Favre's daughter's name is Breleigh? Seriously? I don't think that's a name. My best guess is that Deanna wanted to call her Leigh, Favre wanted to call her Brett and they decided to compromise as long as Favre promised to pay for her therapy.

Oh, and for those of you gunning for the "biggest idiot in the entire world" job, it looks like the position has already been filled. Sorry about that.

Neither Mark Sanchez nor Dennis Waszak Jr. has ever read The Natural

2010-01-22T14:49:00.006-05:00

From the AP:

By DENNIS WASZAK Jr. AP Sports Writer
FLORHAM PARK, N.J.(AP)—Mark Sanchez (notes) is hoping lightning strikes twice.

The New York Jets’ rookie quarterback showed up at his news conference Friday wearing a black T-shirt with the word “Wonderboy” printed across the chest, complete with a silver lightning bolt.

That logo, of course, is what appeared on the magical bat of Roy Hobbs, the power-hitting character played by Robert Redford in the 1984 film, “The Natural.”

Sanchez said he has had the shirt for a while and is wearing anything that might bring him good luck in the AFC championship game Sunday against the Colts.

Or maybe Mark Sanchez is hoping that one of his usual wildly off-target passes flies into the stands and injures the woman carrying his illegitimate child? In any case, I don't think that The Natural is really the sports story you want to invite comparisons to. I would recommend that people start betting heavily against the Jets, but I think they're doing that already.

Dammit Donald!

2010-01-22T12:24:00.001-05:00

I thought I heard something like that in the Colts-Ravens game last week, and now it's been confirmed (via Bill Simmons' twitter)

Nothing about that is correct

2010-01-22T12:09:00.004-05:00

Pandora is seriously, seriously confused here.

If you can't quite make out the text, that would be the song "Braveheart Film Score" from the album "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan". I think the album's cover art speaks for itself.

Project for someone with too much spare time: Go watch Wrath of Khan but superimpose the dialogue from the end of Titanic where Dicaprio is drowning over the Kirk/Spock "I have been and always shall be your friend" scene. Does it work? I feel like it might, but then again,I've never seen Titanic. Also, contemplate how much more awesome Braveheart would be if Mel Gibson were replaced by Ricardo Montalban.

Keep flapping!

2010-01-21T10:03:00.004-05:00

Phrases one doesn't generally expect to come out of New York City Council meetings: “I’m prepared to challenge the mayor to a cheer-off, if he’s up to it.”

That was, of course, the council speaker responding to Mayor Bloomberg's mostly ineffective attempt to convert his speech into a pep rally for the Jets.

Article Here

I admire Ms. Quinn for a) being willing to admit that, back in college, she used to dress up as a giant rooster and b) actually using the word "bleep" in place of profanity. Perhaps the mayor ought to take some advice on how to psych people up from someone with slightly more experience in that area. (Assuming of course that "motivating people" = "spouting mindless football pablum with a bunch of f-bombs thrown in and then consuming one of every item on the McDonalds menu except for those fucking apple slices because nothing had to die to produce them")

And there wasn't even a boneheaded lateral involved this time!

2010-01-20T11:33:00.002-05:00

Ed Reed is an idiot. ROFL.

Now challenge that call!

2010-01-11T21:23:00.001-05:00

My favorite part starts around 1:40ish. Coincidentally, it's also Andy Reid's favorite part.

Larcenous. Stupid Larcenous.

2010-01-10T19:21:00.001-05:00

Marshawn Lynch accused of stealing $20

Nothing about that story makes any kind of sense. But, then again, it is Marshawn Lynch.

Please don't read anything into this flurry of posts

2010-01-08T15:28:00.001-05:00

Where did you say you went to college, Kris Jenkins? Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of that school. Didn't Jared Lorenzen go there?

I guess that'll prepare him for getting fucked by Darrelle Revis

2010-01-08T15:15:00.001-05:00

Chad Ochocino, in a New York Post interview:
"I had sex yesterday. With some of the moves I did -- I should be fine."
Good to know.

To make up for this blog's total lack of content, I bring you some more non-content

2010-01-08T14:26:00.004-05:00

Why stop at one amusing, black and white picture of a former Notre Dame coach turned human punchline? I give you 1976 Lou Holtz!

I wonder at what point between then and now he turned bright orange.

Bonus question(s): Why is Mark May wearing sunglasses? Is he blinded by Lou Holtz's skin? Or possibly by Rece Davis's awesomeness? Is he dead? Is College Football Live pulling an elaborate and slightly punny Weekend at Bernie's prank on us? If he is dead, do you think whatever random mortician is now dressing him will have better taste in ties? Will they have to bury him in a special coffin to keep his smugness from leaking out of his decaying corpse and polluting the groundwater?

I guess some things aren't simply a matter of taste

2010-01-07T17:24:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid, I was an incredibly picky eater. As an adult, I am much more open-minded towards food, but I still have some very odd vestigial habits left from my childhood. For example, I won't eat most preparations of vegetables. Kind of strange of me, I know, so I periodically make an effort to retry foods that I know I don't like to see if I've changed my mind. Doing this in middle and high school got me off of my youthful diet of cereal, plain pasta and hamburgers. Just the other day, I discovered that I kind of like sugar snap peas (although normal peas remain firmly ensconced on my "those taste like food which has gone bad and then been rubbed with other food which has gone bad and marinated in a trash can for a week or two" list). Handy, right?

Well, the sugar snap pea experience led me to thinking, "Why not try this approach on other areas of my life? Surely there are other things I've dismissed overhastily." One possible candidate was for such consideration was Rick Reilly. I gave Rick Reilly a try when I first started obsessively reading about sports a couple years ago, and he and I never really hit it off. His ESPN columns are generally either sappy, boring, sanctimonious, or just inscrutable. If he's really on his game, sometimes they're all four, and, every once in a while, he manages to toss in some just plain so-absolutely-wrong-that-he-makes-the-slogans-on-the-ministry-of-truth-from-1984-look-downright-reasonable. Well, as luck would have it, his column today (a mailbag response) turned out to be one of those gems. Allow me to quote from it:

Dude, you must have no ears. The guy is smooth, funny and brilliant. His name could've been Lipschwitz and he'd be a lead national guy. Try hitting "volume" on the remote.

Do you know to whom he is referring? Actually, I'm not going to bother letting you guess, your head will just explode everywhere once I tell you and there's no point trying to put that off. The answer is: Joe Buck.

Yup, Joe "and the ball is...caught...by David Tyree" Buck. Smooth, funny and brilliant. My only theory is that Reilly has confused the "Volume" button on his remote with the "SAP" button and has been getting the Spanish audio simulcasts. Or that Rick Reilly is a cloth-eared, tasteless idiot. In any case, I'm going to go watch the Al Michaels call of the USA/USSR hockey game a few dozen times to get even the lingering memory of every flat, drawling, priggish Joe Buck call I've ever heard out of my head.

Also, I'm pretty sure this means I don't need to give peas another chance.

A holiday gift for all of us

2009-12-24T19:40:00.003-05:00

Trevor Matich is doing a lame gag on College Football Live where he shows fake gifts sent from some college football entity to another, like a game of "Sorry" sent from Brian Kelly to Cincinnati. The best, however, is when he pulls a donut out of the box, and announces that it's from the Texas offensive line to their running backs.

Now pay attention because this is where it gets funny. The present is not the donut, it's the HOLE, which the running backs haven't been seeing much of lately. He then proceeds to poke a candy cane through the donut hole to demonstrate how the running backs would like to penetrate the hole (you can't even make this shit up). He goes on to say that he'll help them out by "widening the hole," and takes a pronounced and glorious bite out of the donut. Then Kirk Herbstreit cockslaps him.

Okay, I made the cockslapping thing up. But the rest was totally true, and I had trouble not roffling about it in front of Fatty's parents. Widening the hole...teehee.

Do you know who this is?

2009-12-17T11:51:00.003-05:00

No? You sure? Look closer. Consider the large frame indicating that he might become somewhat heavier later in life. Still nothing? Well, how about the smug expression? Also, try imagining him in a grubby sweatshirt.

Oh yes, that's right. It's Charlie Weis. ROFL.

You wouldn't normally think a name like "Ndamukong" would lend itself to songwriting

2009-12-16T11:54:00.002-05:00

There's a bunch of yammering for the first 1:45 or so. Feel free to skip it.

A holiday message from the Bengals' linebacker corps

2009-12-16T11:39:00.002-05:00

Dead Horse: Beaten

2009-12-11T11:01:00.002-05:00

Everyone should go watch the Browns/Steelers highlight reel, since you can see Josh Cribbs be generally awesome, Rofflesberger be generally fat and useless, but most importantly, you can see Arnold Harrison's (#94) excellent little celebratory dance when he makes the tackle on the last play of the game (around 3:40). I like his style.

Who'd like some gratuitous gloating? Well, if you insist.

2009-12-11T10:21:00.005-05:00

If everyone who would like to have sex with me would form a nice, orderly queue, that'd be great, thanks.

Ok, I probably only have time for one more pump fake before I throw this ball. Alright, two.

I don't think anyone will notice if I stick my hands into my pants to warm them up, especially if I do it real subtle-like under this and OH GOD COLD THIS WAS A POOR IDEA!!

Ok, maybe if I let myself get sacked one more time, I'll wake up from this dream.

I don't have a caption for this, but I just can't resist putting it in here anyway. Pwned.

After this game, I am going home, eating a bunch of trash and seeing if I crap gold ingots. Because it cannot be any harder than making this team play effective defense.

No, I don't feel a lump anywhere. But maybe you should go get a mammogram, just to be safe.

I just don't understand how we lost. I took as many cheap shots as I could! What else could I have done?

Hey, listen, we can talk about something other than how I just beat you despite passing for just 90 yards on 6 completions. How about how hot I am? Or maybe your opinion of my incipient mullet?

Bonus: The actual Associated Press caption on this photo is "Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn greets Cleveland Browns cornerback Coye Francies after the Browns defeated the Steelers 13-6." I'm not certain, but I'm not sure that's exactly 100% correct.

No, look, the scoreboard is definitely broken. How else do you explain that?

HOLY SHIT IRRELEVANT

2009-12-09T14:22:00.003-05:00

The Colts placed Jim Sorgi on IR! And signed some other guy! And maybe also have this other guy!

But seriously, how does Jim Sorgi injure his shoulder? Over-enthusiastically patting Peyton on the back when he gets back to the sideline after a scoring drive? Is the clipboard really that heavy? Fisting?

There were no periods used in this post!

Glad to know my mother is watching out for me

2009-12-03T11:46:00.002-05:00

I just received an email with the subject line "Watching football is dangerous!" and I figured I ought to share as a kind of public service announcement.

Deer crashes into Ohio home almost tackling man watching football game on TV

By Associated Press

10:55 PM EST, November 30, 2009

LIMA, Ohio (AP) — A man in Ohio said he had to do some running of his own while watching football on TV when a deer came crashing in through a window. Jeff Berger said he managed to get out of the way when the animal charged at him Sunday evening inside his fiancee's house in Lima in northwest Ohio. The deer jumped on the living room sofa Berger had been lying on.

The deer, which authorities said appeared to be a doe, had smashed through a patio window making a noise that Berger said led him to fear someone was trying to break in to kill him and fiancee Marianne Tate. Neither was injured.

Police officers arrived and chased the deer from behind the couch and out the front door. It was last seen going into nearby woods.

So, yeah, I think we can all take a valuable lesson about safety from that story: Always watch football at strip clubs. No windows in those puppies for errant wildlife to come crashing through. Although I would advise you to leave if Pacman Jones shows up.

The NFL: Sinister cabal trying to give its players long-term brain damage, or just easily confused by big words?

2009-12-03T10:30:00.002-05:00

Facing increased scrutiny regarding the effects of concussions suffered by players, the NFL opted to tighten up its rules regarding returning to playing after suffering a TBI:

Once removed for the duration of a practice or game, the player should not be considered for return-to-football activities until he is fully asymptotic, both at rest and after exertion, has a normal neurological examination, normal neuropsychological testing, and has been cleared to return by both his team physician(s) and the independent neurological consultant.

Hmm, that sounds pretty good. Certainly much stricter than the previous standard of "the player may return to the game once he promises that he feels 'pretty much alright', can guess the number of fingers the team trainer is holding up plus/minus three and/or is leaking no more than 2 oz./minute of cerebrospinal fluid from his ears." Yup, good job there, guys, and...wait a second...what's that word in there? Asymptotic? Hang on, let's go to the OED:

asymptotic (&sIm"tQtIk), a. [f. prec. + -ic, after Gr. ptwtikj.] Of, pertaining to, or of the nature of an asymptote.

asymptomatic (@sImpt@U"m&tIk), a. Path. [f. a- prefix 14 + symptomatic a.] Without symptoms; producing or exhibiting no symptoms.

Yeah, guys, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the word you wanted. Nice try though.

However, I guess this does mean that Ben Roethlisberger can claim he is asymptotically approaching his goal of zero brain cells, so Mike Tomlin can go ahead and put him back in.

Fast. Stupid Fast.

2009-12-02T20:21:00.003-05:00

I had forgotten all about this video until the following exchange occurred at Thanksgiving dinner:

Mom: Thomas, what do you think of the pumpkin pie?
Thomas: Delicious. Stupid delicious.

Anyway, two years later, it is no less hilarious. I'm sure you can identify Marshawn Lynch here as the guy who looks like the love-child (Is there such thing as a hate-child?) of a muppet and the Shaqtus, but the other guy is Gaines Adams (now of the Bears, formerly of the Bucs). He looks less than thrilled to have to share his camera time with the electrifying on-screen presence that is Marshawn Lynch.

Viewing Comprehension Quiz:
1. Marshawn Lynch's attitude : Gaines Adams's attitude as
a) running back : defensive end
b) Cal : Clemson
c) beast mode : too beast mode
d) beast mode : calm
e) none of the above

2. There is nothing better than:
a) solid
b) pie
c) touchdowns
d) the best
e) false

3. What did Simeon Rice formerly do in Madden?
a) Go idiotically quickly up the middle
b) Come stupid fast off the edge
c) Get his head embedded in a tackle's torso due to clipping errors
d) Cheat
e) None of the above

Questions for further discussion:
1) Why does Gaines Adams suck so badly?
2) If there ain't nothing better than solid, what is "way too solid"? Is it better, worse, or the same?
3) Does Marshawn Lynch's answer to how he defines his legacy qualify as a violation of the honor code?
4) Define your attitude, skills and legacy. How do they compare to Marshawn's and Gaines's?

Sorry, Demon Deacon, you are no longer my favorite mascot

2009-11-30T15:20:00.004-05:00

Goldy Gopher's been on a serious roll this year. First there was that whole mocking prayer thing, and now this unholy vengeance wreaked upon Pop Warner All-Stars.

I see percentage signs, so this must be science, right?

2009-11-24T10:10:00.004-05:00

One of the great things about the NFL newswire is that it seems to be machine classified, and therefore can't tell actual news about the NFL from, say, PR releases which mention a bunch of NFL players (hence the earlier post about Chad Ochocinco and Klondike bars). Continuing in that vein, I want to share this fantastic poll which Date.com apparently put to its users.

The male population was asked the following question:
"Thanksgiving has many great traditions, including the annual family football
game. Which NFL Quarterback would you want to play on your team but wouldn't
want near your girlfriend or Thanksgiving date?"

The men demonstrated their confirmed belief that the best cologne is "eau d'WIN" with perhaps a hint of "cute accent" and just a trace of "vast commercial overexposure", since they resoundingly voted that the QB most likely to steal their significant others was Peyton Manning, by a 6:1 margin over the next finisher. Here are the complete results:

Peyton Manning	65.0%
Tony Romo	11.0%
Tom Brady	7.0%
Eli Manning	5.0%
Brett Favre	4.0%
Donovan McNabb	3.0%
Drew Brees	1.0%
Aaron Rodgers	1.0%
Ben Roethlisberger	1.0%
Chad Henne	1.0%
Philip Rivers	1.0%

I'm assuming that the Ben Roethlisberger votes come from the physicists among those surveyed who were concerned about the gravitational effects of such a large mass being upon his date.

It probably shouldn't come as any surprise then that, when asked which quarterback they most preferred, women didn't quite poll out as men seemed to think they would.

"Thanksgiving has many great traditions, including the annual family football
game. Which NFL Quarterback would you want to play on your team, and then
tackle later in the sack?"

Tony Romo	74.0%
Philip Rivers	8.0%
Eli Manning	4.0%
Ben Roethlisberger	4.0%
Peyton Manning	3.0%
Brett Favre	2.0%
Tom Brady	2.0%
Drew Brees	1.0%
Donovan McNabb	1.0%
Aaron Rodgers	1.0%
Chad Henne	0.0%

Yup, it turns out women aren't so much swooning over being a winner as over being good-looking, endearingly helpless and free of STD's from farm animals. Also, poor Chad Henne. Did they really have to put him on the list if he polled 0%? That just seems mean.

Anyway, ladies, you don't want to try to "tackle" Tony Romo "in the sack". He'll either break a pinky and get replaced by Brad Johnson or handle you improperly, make a mad dash for the goal line in an attempt to recover and end up sitting on the ground weeping.

EDIT: Blogger seems to have some .css defined somewhere that says all tables are preceded by 10 lines of whitespace. That's cool, guys.

Rejected headlines in the wake of the Ole Miss/Tennessee game

2009-11-16T16:18:00.003-05:00

"Tennessee suffering from McCluster-headaches"
"Ole Miss has the BCS rankings McCluster-computing"
"Monte Kiffin takes to film room for some intense McCluster-analysis"
"Tennessee astrophysicists discover Globular McCluster 22"
"Vols tongue-tied by consonant McCluster"

And, oddly enough, the most egregious pun of the weekend belongs to Chris Fowler for "Jonathan 'Straight Outta' Crompton".

Is there a problem which can't be explained by this argument?

2009-11-11T17:37:00.006-05:00

From a letter to the editor on Knoxnews.com:

On different occasions and including July 26, the sports page has covered the fact that Coach Lane Kiffin had been having a tough time trying to find a top-quality quarterback to come to Tennessee that would be able to fit into his game plan.

I would like to offer a real possibility why he hasn’t been able to do so: 19 years ago, this child was killed by abortion, and so he is not here now available for recruiting.

*amazed whistle*

I think the award for best response goes to EDSBS, mostly thanks to this phrase: "TIME TRAVELING ABORTIONBOTS EMPLOYED BY THE SEC MUAHAHAAHAHHAHAH!!!"

EDIT: I was thinking about this on the subway, and I realized that maybe I've been too hasty to condemn, because check out this awesome line of reasoning that follows from this argument: Any and all problems occurring in the world today exist because the person who has the ability to solve them has not been born. Therefore, in order to maximize the probability that any given problem gets solved, we need to increase the number of people being born to a maximum. Solution: rampant boning. Everyone needs to be having sex with everyone else all the time. It's the only way to fix the subprime crisis/global warming/racism/cancer/Jonathan Crompton. Get on it, people. Literally.

I want this to be something other than unspeakably lame, but I'm sure it won't be

2009-11-11T12:25:00.003-05:00

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, N.J., Nov. 11 /PRNewswire/ -- Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens are known for taking hard hits on the gridiron, but what about when the pads come off? In celebration of its thicker, more chocolatey shell on six varieties, Klondike® wants to test the thickness of the pro football players' shells off the field. The iconic ice cream brand has brought together two of the sport's most talented and outspoken players to try their hand at a little comedy -- roast style -- with the Klondike® "Ocho - TO Thicker Shell Face-Off," launching today on the Klondike® Fan Page on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/Klondike.

To view the Multimedia News Release, go to: http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/klondike/40529/

(Photo: http://www.newscom.com/cgi-bin/prnh/20091111/NY09261 )

The roast will take place over a two-week period. Starting November 11, Ochocinco will roast Owens for one week with lighthearted messages to test the thickness of Owens' shell. The tables turn November 18 when Owens roasts Ochocinco. During their respective roasting periods, Owens and Ochocinco will have an opportunity to fire back at their antagonist.

"I'm excited for this opportunity to slam my friend Chad," said Owens. "What would you do for a Klondike® bar? How about what wouldn't Ochocinco do for attention?"

"The interesting one is very pleased to be working with Klondike®," said Ochocinco. "I can eat ice cream, embarrass TO and perfect my craft all at the same time...while still looking good. POW!"

During these two weeks, consumers are invited to follow along with Owens and Ochocinco, and will be able to join in on the fun by submitting their own "roast" comments in a 500-character-or-less message on the Klondike® Fan Page on Facebook. Five consumer roasts will be selected and posted each week.

I think that there certainly exists the possibility of something ridiculously hilarious happening in this clearly blandified and corporatized forum, like Ochocinco coating his entire body in chocolate or Jerry Jones submitting hundreds of spiteful TO-directed comments to the consumer participation page, but I'm not holding my breath. I get the feeling that the original idea was for a "Whose shell is thicker?" Ochocinco/Floyd Mayweather boxing match (toned down from Ochocinco's original suggestion to his publicist of the same, but on horseback and in space), but they had to settle for this for indemnity reasons.

Also, I really hope Ochocinco ends every comment with an old-Batman-style onomatopoeia such as "Pow!" "Ker-smash!" or "Pass-dropping-bitch-asshole!"

I guess that's sort of what you do with a groin

2009-11-06T22:34:00.002-05:00

You would think Brad Childress would be a little less reticent to talk about Brett Favre's groin after he spent most of the offseason [INSERT HORRIBLY FOUL DEVIANT SEXUAL PRACTICE POSSIBLY INVOLVING BEARDS HERE] it.

No word yet on whether or not Brett Favre's groin is just like a kid out there.

Brilliant

2009-11-04T22:43:00.002-05:00

That is some masterful wikipedia vandalism on Larry Johnson's wikipedia entry.

On October 10, 2008, Johnson was arrested for the fourth time and charged with one count of non-aggravated assault for allegedly spitting a drink in a woman's face at a Kansas City nightclub on Oct. 11. It is believed that Johnson attempted to flee from police officers but was tackled after two yards.

Hay mapaches en mis pantalones!

2009-11-04T18:18:00.003-05:00

It's not that Chad Ochocinco needs to do any more work to convince me that he's the greatest human being that ever lived, but he did succeed in driving that point home again with his appearance on Letterman the other night.

My head hurts

2009-11-04T11:46:00.002-05:00

Jim Leavitt, the coach of USF, expresses his thoughts on today's linguistic trends.

I guess I shouldn't complain, this is probably what I sound like talking about football to people who know anything about it. Or, at least, what I would sound like if anyone who knew anything about football read this blog.

I can only assume Tony Siragusa has eaten Tony Dungy

2009-11-02T14:14:00.003-05:00

At first, I was a little puzzled by the photo accompanying this SI.com blog post entitled "Tony Siragusa says Eli Manning is in trouble":

However, after some thought, I've realized the only possible explanation for the photo and its caption: Tony Siragusa has up and devoured Tony Dungy. (In fact, if you look closely you can just make out the outline of Tony Dungy's strangely-shaped skull pressing against Goose's lower right abdominal wall.) Of course, this puts and entirely different cast on the headline. It does not mean that Tony Siragusa is commenting on Eli Manning's struggles; no, it is an active threat. If Eli Manning doesn't show marked improvement right away, Tony Siragusa can and will eat him. A little unorthodox, sure, but I mean, wouldn't that motivate you?

As for what he is knitting and why he is knitting it...I'm not really sure, but let's just assume it's some sort of giant bib.

Rams/Lions seems to be everything we hoped and dreamed

2009-11-01T15:23:00.003-05:00

Additionally, my favorite play of the day thus far came when, after Jeremy Maclin caught a touchdown pass, Brent Celek ran over to clap him on the back in celebration, but does so before Maclin has managed to stand up, thus knocking him onto all fours and straddling him. They then proceeded to dance around awkwardly like some kind of ill-conceived horsey ride until Celek finally tripped got over Maclin's head while Maclin stood up and tried to pretend none of that just happened.

EDIT: Even better, this is how those two points were scored.

Oh man, we have a BrettFavreIsAGiantDouchebag tag now?

2009-10-29T17:19:00.002-04:00

Awesome.

1996 Packers v. 2009 Vikings

2009-10-28T12:42:00.007-04:00

By now we've all heard about Brett Favre talking smack about how this Vikings team he's on this year is the best he's ever played on. Now, he claims it was an innocent comment, which is slightly believable - pumps up the team, didn't think it through, etc... - but, uh, did he forget how awesome the 1996 Packers were, and how he won a Super Bowl with them?

The '96 Packers are kinda ticked-off about it.

As they should be, if you ask me. Now, some of these older ex-players may have gotten some of their facts mixed up (for instance, Edgar Bennett and Dorsey Levens an Adrian Peterson does not make. And definitely not an AP + Chester Taylor), but the '96 Packers were dominant, and the players knew it.

So, who would win in a game between the 1996 Pack and the 2009 Vikes? Let's examine, first by looking solely at team ranks.

Oh, one more thing first. Through all these analyses, I'm going to extrapolate from game averages for yardage, tackles, etc... to make up an entire season's production. As we all know, the only real way to know if this Vikings team is as good as the '96 Packers is to see if they win 13+ games and the Super Bowl, so this exercise may turn out to be useless if, say, Adrian Peterson suffers a season-ending knee injury, Sidney Rice and Visanthe Shiancoe get into a knife-fight outside of practice one day and get arrested, and the Williamses could get busted for doping (oh wait). So be it. This should still be an interesting exercise, even if it is only for exercise's-sake. I mean, we all know I could use some.

Now, onto the team ranks.

In terms of Offensive ranks, the '96 Packers were near the within the top 5 of most of the overall and passing team-statistics, with top marks in Points Scored, and Passing TDs, with 2's in 1st downs and Turnovers allowed. The Vikings' highest ranks, on the other hand, are only 3rd's in Points Scored, Interceptions given-up, and Turnovers allowed. Take a look for yourself at the other stats in the ghettoasstable below:

Stat - Packers - Vikings
Points - 1 - 3
Yards - 5 - 12
1stDns - 2 - 14
PAtt - 12 - 14
PYds - 5 - 13
PTDs - 1 - 11
RAtt - 14 - 11
RYds - 11 - 12
RTDs - 19 - 7
TO - 2 - 3

So, it looks pretty obvious from these data that, compared to the rest of their respective leagues, the '96 Packers were a more effective offense, especially through the air, than the '09 Vikings, as they ranked higher than the Vikings in all categories except for Rushing Attempts and Rushing TDs. Interesting, perhaps Edgar Bennett and Dorsey Levens do make an Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor. But probably not really. After all, these Vikings' data are based on only a half season.

Moving on to defense, it's easy to see which of these two teams is better. I'll give you two guesses.

Yup, the PACKERS. The '96 Packers defense was stifling to opponents, ranking in the top-five in EVERY category, except Sacks and Passing Attempts against, which is a pretty silly statistic to begin with. The Vikings don't have the same kind of powerhouse defense that the Pack did, but they are currently leading the league in sacks, so good for them. See the ghettoasstable below for the comparison.

Stat - Packers - Vikings
Points - 1 - 17
Yards - 1 - 17
1stDns - 1 - 17
PAtt - 20 - 17
PYds - 1 - 20
PTDs - 3 - 17
Sacks - 10 - 1
RAtt - 4 - 7
RYds - 4 - 10
RTDs - 5 - 2
TO - 3 - 10

So, from these data it looks like the '96 Packers have an advantage over the '09 Vikings. Their passing attack was more potent and their defense more stifling. The Vikings have an advantage in the running game (no one will argue that they have more talent in the backfield than the Packers did, well, except for the '96 Packers) and in some specialized stats like sacks, which really are more of a concern of individual players than an entire team (kinda).

Next on the docket, the player-by-player breakdown of the two teams. Stay tuned.

I am skeptical

2009-10-25T13:47:00.004-04:00

EDIT: Well, they just showed the highlight, and it appears that they did just throw a touchdown pass to this backup linebacker. Good job, Browns.

Jamal Lewis inactive, Jim Brown, Ernest Byner to play

2009-10-25T13:19:00.002-04:00

From ESPN.com's fantasy inactives feed:

ESPN's John Clayton reports that Jamal Lewis (hamstring, doubtful) is inactive for the Browns. James Davis (shoulder, probable) is active, but Clayton notes that Jerome Harrison will get the start in Lewis' place. If you must pick a Browns running back, Harrison should be your first choice, but Davis will get his touches. The smart play: Avoid this backfield.

Yup, James Davis is very likely to get his touches, since he's been on the IR since week 1.

Why is everyone retarded?

2009-10-19T11:20:00.005-04:00

Look. This isn't that hard. It was a big deal when Sam Bradford won the Heisman as a red-shirt sophomore. As such, when did he manage to finish his junior year without everyone noticing?

The guy's a junior. A red-shirted junior. Yes, he's been at school for four years now, BUT, he didn't return to Oklahoma for his senior season. It's only his junior season. Get it straight people.

Caption this photo

2009-10-18T18:52:00.004-04:00

"Never let go, Tom. Never let go"
"It's not unsporting until it gets to triple digits, right?"
"Well, I thought the tassel was adorable."
"Why yes, I DO moisturize, thank you for noticing."
"Poor sportsmanship five!"

Other suggestions?

Hey CBS, can I interest you in some literacy?

2009-10-18T16:43:00.004-04:00

CBS sports was already on pretty thin fucking ice after switching me away from the last two minutes of the Vikings/Ravens nailbiter to show me inane pregame interviews for the Bills/Jets game, but now they have managed to plummet through the ice and are being swept along in an icy torrent of my rage.

During one of the extremely infrequent breaks in the thrilling action that is a Bills game, they decided to have a little segment where Dan Fouts (one of the commentators and former Chargers QB (I know that from the Madden "Loading" screen that shows random HoF players)) rambled pointlessly about something. This would have been pretty much par for the course, except for the graphic they showed when transitioning into it: "Fouts' Focus".

Look, I understand that "Fouts's" looks funny, but so does "D'Brickashaw". You can't pick and choose which grammar rules you like when. So, unless the segment continues later in the game and it's hosted by Dan Fouts' grand-nephew Timmy Fouts, I expect your written apology in my inbox by tomorrow morning. Also, I wouldn't take some sort of ritual suicide amiss.

NERDS!

2009-10-17T14:53:00.002-04:00

Please consider the background of the ESPN Scorecenter app's "Loading" page and tell me if you see anything horrifically dorky.

And yes, I understand that I am just as much of a dork for noticing this.

Muppet Golden Tate is going to jump into the muppet band

2009-10-15T09:38:00.003-04:00

A couple months ago, I stumbled across this infrequently-updated blog apparently written by a couple of insane and underemployed Notre Dame fans whose primary trope is the creation of ND-football-related videos using remarkably convincing knockoff muppets (or knuppets, as I like to call them). It's not exactly anything to write home about, but for some reason I found their latest fun inordinately amusing. Probably mostly because knuppet Charlie Weis looks like Count Chocula and knuppet Jimmy Clausen looks like...Jimmy Clausen.

Owen Schmitt would like a side of insane masochism and a garnish of Gus Frerotte with his poor judgment sandwich

2009-10-12T13:08:00.004-04:00

It's not often you find a man who has bludgeoned himself in the skull with a football helmet on national television multiple times, but Owen Schmitt appears to have a dedication to cranial autoabuse that makes Trent Green look like a rank amateur.

And again!

And the Seahawks wonder why they have injury problems.

Everything relating to Miami football is stupid and irritating

2009-10-12T13:03:00.001-04:00

http://www.miamiherald.com/sports/colleges/um/story/1278001.html

I hate the U.

I suppose less obsessive people would not have noticed that

2009-10-11T17:54:00.002-04:00

The CBS halftime crew was doing recaps of the early games, and eventually they were forced to mention that 6-3 disaster in Buffalo. The usual format of these recaps is to show the score and the stat line and picture of the key player of the game (So, for the Cowboys/Chiefs game, it was Miles Austin and his 260 receiving yards, while for the Bengals/Ravens game it was Carson Palmer). Obviously, this presents a problem: Whom do you use as the key player of a mind-numbing game which turned entirely on a single muffed punt? Well, apparently they decided to just give it to the guy who scored most of the points, so it was Billy Cundiff, the Browns' recently acquired backup placekicker who was subbing in for the injured Phil Dawson. And here was the picture they used:

Anybody else see a problem here?

Poor Billy Cundiff. The only time in his life he'll ever be the key player of a game, and he gets dumped for Matt Schaub.

Matt Hasselbeck is never eating Frist sushi again

2009-10-07T22:41:00.002-04:00

Hasselbeck knows one thing: he's switching rib pads.
"Well, I was wearing rib pads when I got hurt, so those are going in the trash," he said. "I'm going with a new company."

Something tells me it was not quite so much the poor rib pad design as the 150 mile per hour Patrick Willis colliding with said rib pads. He could probably have been wearing the entire NORAD bunker around his ribs and it would only have slowed Willis down a little bit.

Eric Mangini does his part for the economy by offering the Browns' own cash-for-clunkers program

2009-10-07T12:27:00.010-04:00

Browns trade Braylon Edwards to Jets

I am stunned, although on reflection, I really have no reason to be. For those of you too uninterested in the Browns to read the article (which, I assume would be everyone, Browns fans included), the deal is that the Browns will send Braylon to the Jets in return for WR Chansi Stuckey, LB Jason Trusnik and (reportedly) a third and fifth round draft pick, or more concisely, crap.

I have to admit to being completely floored by this trade. In light of our general uselessness in all things football, who would have expected the Browns to ship out their most (read: only) truly talented skill position player? (Yes, I still believe Edwards to be truly talented. Maybe that's just the last vestigial delusion left over from the 2007 season, but it's my opinion that the man is a genuine #1 receiver.) But really, this trade was probably inevitable.

Edwards was anything but a Mangini guy: Mangini has made it clear what kind of football player he wants on his team. He wants tough, quiet, dedicated players who love the game. Shockingly, petulant, mercurial players with clear mental issues both on and off the field and a tendency for mouthing off do not fit that bill, no matter how talented. For reference, please see Winslow Jr., Kellen and the trade to the Bucs. Oh yeah, and being under investigation for punching a guy in the face while having a hissy fit about not getting enough attention from the fans probably didn't help that any. You can certainly see Mangini thinking that he had a guy who didn't fit his plans and was probably going to be lost to free agency after the season anyway, so he ought to try and flip him for what he could.

But really, for that? A borderline #2/#3 wideout, a backup special teams player and a couple extremely meh draft picks? Really?

This trade was in many ways reminiscent of the draft-day trade with the Jets. That trade gave up the Browns' fifth overall pick to the Jets (which they desperately needed to be sure of landing Mark Sanchez, whom they felt the same way about as Jim Tressel feels about football games that end 6-3 with 4 pass attempts (extremely aroused)) in return for the Jets' first and second round picks and QB Brett Ratliff, S Abram Elam and DE Kenyon Coleman. The Browns would trade down twice more in the first round for 6th round picks each time and eventually took a center (Alex Mack) at #21 in a move widely considered to be a reach. Let's look at the similarities between the two:

First (and probably most importantly), the trade was with the Jets. He may have been unceremoniously fired by them, but oh man, Mangini loves him some J-E-T-S Jets! There are now something like 17 ex-Jets on the Browns' roster.
The trade involved converting something flashy and glamorous (a high first round pick or a #1 wideout) into something much less so (linemen, less dominant players, lower-round picks).
The Jets were given something that they desperately wanted (a quarterback and a deep threat wideout) in return for a bunch of crap they could care less about (a bunch of two- or three-deep players on the depth chart and some marginal draft picks).
The Browns ended up looking like just-off-the-boat n00bs who had signed a contract to buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

I really cannot even begin to understand how Eric Mangini thought this was a good idea. Did he really look at Mohammed Massaquoi's 148-yard performance on Sunday (made possible largely by the fact that Edwards was being double covered on most plays while Mohammed "Someone give me a nickname so that people can stop having to remember how to spell my name" Massaquoi was left one-on-one) and think to himself, "Praise be to Jesus, I have found my number one wide receiver!"? Because, seriously, that's the sort of crap I expect from idiots in fantasy leagues; and even now he's only owned in 25% of leagues (up from 0.2% last week) since most people recognize this as a likely Patrick Cobbs'ing. So there you have it: Eric Mangini is dumber than 75% percent of fantasy owners. How reassuring.

More importantly though is the larger pattern I see emerging of Eric Mangini's inability to properly value assets. I understand that it's a salary cap league where star players make a huge hit on the books and undervalued Moneyball-style skill position players can make a big difference to a team, but that mindset only gets you so far. (Check out this article for an interesting discussion of the limitations of the Moneyball strategy.) The bottom line is that, when you can only have 11 players on the field at a time, having 45 more-talented-than-their-salaries-but-still-only-average players doesn't help. Someone has to make plays, and football players are not like Voltron. You can't weld them together and hope for more talent. (Well, except for Shaun Rogers, who I'm convinced is at least 2 guys welded together.) In spite of this, Mangini continues to insist on turning one very good thing into a bunch of mediocre things. It's the classic "9 dimes for a dollar trade", and Mangini doesn't appear to see past the "But now I have nine things where I used to have one!"

I don't care if Mangini thinks the players he's getting are more valuable than the Jets do. That's not how bargaining works. If I wander into a bookstore and find a William Morris edition of the Canterbury Tales on sale for $50, I don't promptly find the store's owner and insist on paying him the full $100,000 or so that it's worth. I'm almost positive that the Jets called up Mangini, asked him what he wanted for Edwards and accepted as soon as they managed to get their jaws off the floor when he told them. The same was probably true of Sanchez trade. Maybe it's not just Mangini, maybe it's our whole front office, but couldn't you guys at least make it look like you're making an effort not to get screwed? Maybe? Just a little bit?

Regardless, it looks like the Browns got jobbed again and the fan base in Cleveland gets to add a little more frustration and despair to the stockpile they're currently accruing until Randy Lerner takes his triennial break from watching Aston Villa games and returns to the US to fire Eric Mangini and hire the first guy who stumbles into his office. It's like Cleveland's version of the swallows returning to Capistrano.

In the meantime, we're now taking offers for Joe Thomas and Josh Cribbs. Got any backup punters on the IR you want to get rid of, or maybe a tackling dummy wearing a Jets jersey? Then give Eric Mangini a call, he's here to help.

Christina would like to share her insightful opinion with us!

2009-10-06T01:26:00.003-04:00

Well, definitely can't argue with that.

Horrifying comment by the teacher of my trading mechanics class

2009-10-05T18:51:00.001-04:00

"If you do that, it's like kissing your sister. What's the point? You're just gonna be there all day without getting any further."

Oh. God.

Just when you thought NFL.com couldn't make their website any worse

2009-10-05T17:58:00.004-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRDGDDJJJGKRKR

I'm sure this is somehow Deanna Favre's fault.

In other news, you know you're talking about Brett Favre too much when you get called out by Peter King:

Why, FOX, why? Why show the top 10 plays of Brett Favre's career? How many
celebrations of his career have you done, and how many more will you do? What
possible relevance do the top 10 plays of his career have this weekend?

In other news, Bill Belichick criticized John Harbaugh for looking too sour on the sidelines; Jerry Jones said that proposed designs for a new stadium in Oakland are garish and overdone in response to which Al Davis accused Jerry Jones of interfering too much in the team's operation; Jay Cutler called Michael Crabtree a selfish diva; Braylon Edwards accused Robert Royal of dropping too many passes; Ben Roethlisberger told his girlfriend maybe she shouldn't have dessert because she was starting to look a little chunky; Plaxico Burress told the guy menacing him with a shiv to be really careful because he could accidentally hurt someone with that thing; Emmitt Smith said that Tony Romo isn't that good and is only made to look great by a terrific supporting cast; Joe Buck told a broadcasting intern that his announcing was too dry and unemotional; the Senate republicans accused the Senate democrats of being obstructive, sensationalist and incompetent; the Senate democrats accused the Senate republics of being obstructive, sensationalist and incompetent; velociraptors described zombies as nightmarish and terrifying; and Jeff Bagdis said he thought someone else's idea was "dumb."

ESPN is copying us

2009-09-27T19:14:00.003-04:00

So, I was looking on the ESPN frontpage today, and saw this down in the corner.

So they have better graphics than we do (we will in, oh, 3 years) and they use a Madden simulation to predict real-life events, but still. WE DID THIS FIRST!

I demand royalties.

What the hell is "Ladder Golf?"

2009-09-25T12:02:00.007-04:00

OK. I have to talk about this.

ESPN's been running this poll for a few days now, and I chuckle every time. Cornhole. Get it?

I only learned what "cornhole" the game was very recently; turns out they do it a lot here in Illinois. Play with cornholes. With each other's cornholes. By throwing bean-bags into corn holes. (This doesn't get un-funny.) I saw frat boys outside corn-holing each other one beautiful afternoon. WHY ARE THEY NOT INSIDE THEIR HOUSE GETTING SHITTY ON NATTY LIGHT?!?!? Playing what they probably call "Beer Pong."

Heathens.

The University of Illinois claims to be the most-Greek of all the countries universities. I don't believe it.

Also, playing this game seems to be one of the stupidest tailgating ideas of all time. Is there drinking involved? I sure hope so, otherwise I've lost all faith in the Midwest, Southeast, Mid-Atlantic states, CaliVegazona and New England (except for New Hampshire and Maine - I don't really think Vermont knows what's going on, so let's just ignore them for now.) I just don't see the appeal of sitting around before a football game cornholing your best friend. Is that so wrong?

OK. Let's move on to "washer toss."

I had to look this one up because I have no idea. I was thinking it might be like horseshoes but with a big circular thing instead of a horseshoe. But no. It appears to be THE EXACT SAME GAME AS "CORNHOLE" BUT WITH THE SEXUAL INNUENDO! You toss washers into what amounts to being a bucket inside a box.

But! There appears to be discrepancies (at least in Google images) of what exactly the washer toss target looks like. There's the box with a bucket in it, the board with three holes, which, by the way, is pretty much exactly cornholing except easier, and the box (with a bucket inside)².

So, not only is washer toss the same game as cornholing (just stupider), the Texans, Cajuns, and confused people from Vermont can't get their act together and decide on rules! GAH!

And here's another thing. Is the rest of the world actually the Drones Club? I mean, all they do is sit around and throw cards into hats and chandeliers ("What does a seven count as?"). It's exactly the same principle as cornholing and washer tossing.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what "Ladder Golf" is. Putt-putt with step ladders? Maybe you stand on the ladder and use a really long golf club?

Oh.

It's that?

Well, that's alright then.

But seriously. Doesn't everyone know that they whole point of tailgating is to drink beer and eat lots of grilled food? From a grill that attaches to you trailer hitch?

Ouch, SportsNation

2009-09-22T23:11:00.002-04:00

I'd just like to point out that Michigan, which two weeks previously was picking the Lions to win the division, now thinks that they would probably lose to the shambling undead.

Of course, it's hardly a fair question because zombies can't be athletic. And even if they were, it's not made clear if they're allowed to bite and/or devour the Lions. (This does raise an interesting question: If a zombie bites a Lion, does the Lions player become a zombie, or does the zombie become a Detroit Lion? Discuss amongst yourselves).

Translating the ESPN.com power rankings

2009-09-22T19:48:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted in a while, but I need Ford to do some GAFF work before I can progress any further in that, and what better way to take a break from fantasy football than to write about writing about football? I can't think of one.

Anyway, I was reading the ESPN.com power rankings for the week, and it struck me that the analysts, for all their talent, seemed to be having a bit of trouble getting their point across. So, to save you all the hours I'm sure you'd spend teasing out their true meanings, I give you the Translated ESPN.com Week 3 Power Rankings:

1. Ravens: They're balanced on offense and tough on defense. (Chadiha)
Translation: Ray Lewis killed a man.

2. Giants: Mario Manningham might not be Plaxico Burress, but he's becoming an Eli Manning go-to guy. (Clayton)
Translation: I foresee no future issues with poor decisions from a guy whose wonderlic score could be quadrupled and still be both 1) less than Vince Young's and 2) one digit.

3. Colts: The first of two back-to-back prime-time road games went just fine in Miami. (Kuharsky)
Translation: After 10 years of saying that having no ground game and no defense will come back to haunt the Colts, we've given up and decided just to never drop them out of the top 5 as long as Peyton Manning draws breath.

4. Falcons: Taking care of business within the division is key, but the Falcons can take another step if they win at New England on Sunday. (Sando)
Translation: Winning games is better for your ranking than losing games!

5. Vikings: So far, so good with Brett Favre in charge. (Chadiha)
Translation: I can't actually see a single down of Vikings football because Brett Favre's crotch is blocking my view. Adrian who?

6. Steelers: They have got to find a running game. (Chadiha)
Translation: That, or hire Brett Favre. He can make any football team amazing, even if they have no run game to speak of.

7. Saints: Scoring 48 points at Philly isn't easy. Drew Brees is completing 75 percent of his passes to lead the MVP race early.(Sando)
Translation: Drew Brees is going to be the first quarterback in history to score more actual points than fantasy points.

8. Jets: Rex Ryan has blitzed his way into first place in the AFC East. Division, beware. (Clayton)
Translation: But...but...Tom Brady...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

9. Eagles: Kevin Kolb put up great passing numbers, but the Eagles can't fly without Donovan McNabb. (Clayton)
Translation: 10-year starters who have the lowest career interception percentages of active quarterbacks are better than untested backups with 4:1 career INT:TD ratios.

10. Patriots: Bill Belichick must go back to the drawing board for a November rematch against the Jets. (Clayton)
Translation: Apparently, we're willing to spot the Patriots every game between now and mid-November. Did you know that Bill Belichick is a genius?

11. Chargers: Might that home loss to the Ravens become an outcome that places a playoff matchup in Baltimore? (Kuharsky)
Translation: Even if they did lose embarrassingly to the Ravens, it would require at least 3 acts of god to prevent this team from winning their division.

12. Where was the Packers' pass protection (six sacks) and discipline (11 penalties) against the Bengals? (Chadiha)
Translation: What do you mean preseason performance doesn't correlate perfectly with regular season performance?!?

13. 49ers: The 49ers want to run the ball and they are, but don't overlook Shaun Hill. He's 9-3 as the 49ers' starter. (Sando)
Translation: We swear, the 49ers have a quarterback. Look, we even looked up his name and record on their team page.

14. Bears: The Bears need more of the Jay Cutler who showed up to beat the Steelers. (Chadiha)
Translation: And less of the one who spends 84% of the game making a face like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man makes in Ghostbusters when they shoot him with the energy guns.

15. Cowboys: Two problems don't go away: critical turnovers by Tony Romo and giving up big plays on defense. (Clayton)
Translation: Let's see how many years TO has to be gone from the franchise before all my comments stop being veiled criticisms of him.

16. Titans: Mistake-filled first two weeks are fueling those critics who predicted a big drop-off after a 13-3 season. (Kuharsky)
Translation: I have discovered a new statistical phenomenon which I call "Regression to the Kerry Collins"

17. Texans: Everyone is wary of saying too much about the great victory in Tennessee, because historically the Texans have had some duds for follow-ups. (Kuharsky)
Translation: Everyone's still too embarrassed after spending all summer hyping the Texans and then watching them get stomped by the Jets in week 1 to say anything hopeful.

18. Cardinals: Beating the Colts at home in Week 3 would validate the Cardinals' blowout victory at Jacksonville while potentially forcing a tie atop the NFC West. (Sando)
Translation: If the Cardinals could beat a team about whom we don't have creeping suspicions of suckiness, that'd be a start.

19. The Wildcat dominated the Colts but Miami lost the game by four. Maybe the "Cat" isn't that wild. (Clayton)
Translation: Get it? See, I took the compound word "wildcat" and switched it around, so that it implied...what? Why are you all looking at me like that?

20. Their two remaining games against the AFC North aren't likely to produce the same results their first two did. (Kuharsky)
Translation: The fact that the standout player on your team thus far is a repeatedly concussed, small white guy who's bounced around the league more than Shaun Smith's gut is somehow not instilling us with great faith.

21. Bills: He's lost two offensive tackles and an offensive coordinator, but Trent Edwards is hanging in there as a no-huddle quarterback. (Clayton)
Translation: Do we really not have anyone else we can put in this slot? Really?

22. Seahawks: Injuries always seem to be the big story for Seattle. Matt Hasselbeck's ribs aren't going to feel good any time soon. (Sando)
Translation: So, how 'bout that Jake Locker?

23. Redskins: Playing St. Louis and Detroit in back-to-back weeks is a gift that buys time for the offense to start clicking. (Clayton)
Translation: Washington is faced with the football equivalent of hiring a hooker, so get it in the goddamn end zone.

24. This team would be 2-0 if it hadn't blown the final minute of its season opener. (Chadiha)
Translation: And I would still be married if my wife hadn't blo--never mind. Let's move on.

25. Jake Delhomme was much better in Week 2, but his two-game pace works out to eight touchdown passes and 40 interceptions. (Sando)
Translation: However, if he keeps throwing one more touchdown and three fewer interceptions a week, he'll have managed 120 touchdowns and -296 interceptions by the end of the season. So now I'm just confused.

26. Raiders: Better than many expected, but how long can they endure the poor play of JaMarcus Russell? (Kuharsky)
Translation: Like the rest of America, I refuse to countenance the possibility that the Raiders might be good.

27. Jaguars: It's time for the rookie wide receivers to see some action and make some contributions for the struggling Jags. (Kuharsky)
Translation: At this point, they should see if their towel boy can haul in a few passes.

28. Buccaneers: The Bucs have allowed 900 yards in their first two games. They even made the Bills look good. (Sando)
Translation: Jesus, the NFC South is boring. Have I mentioned that the Bills are bad?

29. Browns: Two blowout losses to open the season don't bode well. (Chadiha)
Translation: Due to Eric Mangini's restrictive policies regarding the media, the only information I have been able to glean about the Browns has been the scores of their first two games and a grudging admission that their quarterback is "probably not Tim Couch."

30. Chiefs: Two turnovers, other miscues undid a lot of stat advantages in loss to Oakland. (Kuharsky)
Translation: I'm sorry, I am still stuck on this "Raiders winning games" thing. Is this a problem for anyone else here?

31. Lions: Even with two defeats, they already seem better than last season. (Chadiha)
Translation: Ok, I admit it, no, they don't, but in a shrewd revenue move, Detroit has trademarked the phrase "worst team in the history of football" and all variations thereupon.

32. Rams: The Rams desperately need more punch from their passing game. Donnie Avery has been a nonfactor so far. (Sando)
Translation: Every week, I'm going to pick a Rams player who has been a non-factor and say the Rams need more from him. I suspect I will start to run out of players sometime around week 83.

Look around you!

2009-09-21T21:41:00.002-04:00

Look around you! Look around you! Have you figured out what it is we're looking for?

That's right...MATHS!

This one's a story problem.

Q: If the Dolphins run the wildcat on 8% of snaps, and gain 10% of their yards in the wildcat, how many more yards do they gain in the wildcat?

A: ~~The wildcat gains 2% more yards than the standard formation.~~ ~~Jaws is an idiot.~~ Imhotep is invisible.

How much do you think Adrian Peterson(s) makes?

2009-09-18T11:23:00.004-04:00

$15M?

$30M?

I think we'd all agree he's worth those numbers plus a bunch to Vikings.

But, according to Bill Simmons' column this week, he makes...

...wait for it...

$755,000!

Now, this came as a huge shock to me. Firstly, the Vikings are pretty much stealing his services. Granted, this is a base salary, so for all we know, he's probably making 3 times that much in bonuses for breaking rushing records and scoring thousands of touchdowns and things*, but still, $755K.

Another question. Guess how much the other Adrian Peterson makes - you know, the Bears' running back/special-teamer.

AP-$100K? AP+$150K? $1M?

*Oh yeah, I looked it up. Last year, according to Fox Sports, AP made just over $2.8M, placing him at 13th in the Vikings' salaries. Behind Gus Frerotte and 3 of his O-line.

$745,000. Ten grand less than the best running back in the game. Awesome, and slightly rofl-worthy.

What the fuck?

2009-09-11T17:37:00.003-04:00

It almost looks like Mangini has a sense of humor. Of course, I suppose the continuing "I'm not telling you who the starting quarterback is" storyline is much better evidence of that.

Let's check the popular preseason predictions, shall we?

2009-09-11T17:08:00.005-04:00

While I'm looking at the ESPN.com polls, let's have a look at the fan-projected division winners, you know, to make sure that all the fans of inevitably shitty teams aren't deluding themselves. I'll just make a quick pass 'round the league here:

Browns? Bengals?

Looking good...

Chiefs? Broncos? Raiders?

Right on.

Bills?

Glad to see we're on the same page.

Rams?

Solid...

Bucs?

No argument here. Well, only one truly terrible team left, and you gotta figure that they're not going to be...um...uh...

Geez, this is awkward. Way to let hope spring eternal there, Michigan.

Is it only dumb hicks from Pennsylvania that think Ben Roethlisberger is an elite QB?

2009-09-11T16:28:00.002-04:00

Survey says: Nope, dumb hicks from all over the country think so.

Apparently OSU fans aren't all as jaded as I am

2009-09-11T13:42:00.002-04:00

Not to steal Matt's gimmick, but I figured I could take this one. Here are some of the more interesting by-state results:

Ohio: 32% USC, 68% OSU
California: 83% USC, 17% OSU
The most lopsided for USC: Oregon, with 84% USC
The second-most-favorable to OSU: Indiana, with 63% USC

Seriously, Ohio, just for reference, let's have a look at the "recent" series history:
1973 Ohio State 42, USC 21
1974 USC 18, Ohio State 17
1979 USC 17, Ohio State 16
1984 USC 20, Ohio State 17
1989 at USC 42, Ohio State 3
1990 USC 35, at Ohio State 26
2008 at USC 35, Ohio State 3
We haven't beaten USC since Nixon was in the White House. Even accounting for the 18-year gap from 1990-2008, that's not exactly inspiring. And I just don't really see the reason for a sudden burst of optimism. While Terrelle Pryor looked a hell of a lot better against Navy than he did last year, I think Pete Carroll learned his lesson about running quarterbacks in matchup you might vaguely recall from 2005; and I just can't envision the exquisite "Hey Terrelle, you should just run faster than anyone else on the field until you're in the end zone" gameplan really panning out against Pete "I use 5-star recruits as furniture in my office" Carroll. But hey, maybe he really has learned how to pass in the offseason. Then we might only lose by 14.

AAAARRRGGGHHH

2009-09-10T23:47:00.003-04:00

Let the record reflect:
The Steelers suck.
Ben Roethlisberger is a fatass.
Whoever invented the NFL overtime rules should be prosecuted by the ICC for crimes against humanity.

On a more positive note:
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!!!!!!!

I want another choice!

2009-09-10T19:17:00.002-04:00

Why is there no "because he's one of the stupidest coaches in the league" choice?

Let's see how much you Eagles fans like Michael Vick now

2009-09-10T11:38:00.005-04:00

Philly fans may have already weathered the storm of PETA/ASPCA protests following the Vick signing without any outward display of perturbation, but I think their tune will change with this dramatic new protest from an unimagined corner. That's right, Princess the NFL-picking camel is refusing to pick any Eagles games in a show of solidarity with her quadrupedal brethren! Take that, Eagles!

Oregon Uniform Configurator!

2009-09-04T11:51:00.003-04:00

OK, let's be real here. I was a huge online car configuator guy until I turned about... 22. The BMW and Mercedes ones are quite good. Or, at least they were yesterday. Also, the Bentley one is about the best you could ask for, since there are like, 40 colors of everything to choose from.

Anyway. Everyone loves Oregon's infatuation with uniforms, both hideous and less hideous. (BTW, check out the sweet carbon-fibre-esque grey helmets. Awesomely bad.) But who cares how hideous they are, we all love them. Well, I do.

And now I can combine my two loves.

Unfortunately, the lack of yellow pants make it a bit harder to have _lots_ of fun with this, but whatever.

Over/Under: Number of voicemails LeGarrette Blount already has from the Cincinnati Bengals

2009-09-04T01:42:00.007-04:00

I'm setting it at 4.5. Who's in?

Really though, do you think they'll have signed him by the time I wake up in the morning, or will they leave it until the early afternoon?

If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this.

ESPN's coverage of kickoff weekend is an absolute travesty

2009-09-03T23:17:00.005-04:00

Usually when people want to show something is a disaster, they show a picture of a train wreck or a tornado-struck town, or Amy Winehouse, or a picture of a Dan Brown novel or something. Well, none of those even comes close to evoking the total fucking catastrophe that has been ESPN's coverage of opening night on college football. This here is the best I can do on short notice, and even then it's like describing Mike Leach as a little eccentric.
My eye might also be twitching involuntarily, but I haven't noticed because my entire body is wracked with spasms of pure rage. (How am I typing this if I'm having spasms? A good question, and to that I say BHDVVWN90VC24H0[2F38312[QU85U34HWENWQXMKO)

Seriously, this evenings coverage of the USC/NC State and Oregon/Boise State games has to rank among the worst efforts at televisation of all time. Pretty much the whole evening, whoever has been in charge of switching the feeds has waited about 2 seconds after play has started to switch from the super-tight shot of the running back or the totally-cool-and-not-at-all-pointless-put-the-camera-inside-a-helmet-on-the-sideline shot (One of these days, I'm going to manage an entire post which is just one huge hyphenated phrase) to the actual wide-angle shot that, oh, I don't know, LETS YOU SEE WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING. It's kind of like reading a book, but not being allowed to read the first page of every chapter.

But all that pales in comparison to this master stroke in the 2nd quarter of the Boise State game. Boise state scored a touchdown, and the camera was so busy showing random shots of the celebrating Broncos fans that they somehow failed to notice that Boise State had come out, lined up in an insane trick-play formation, and run the ball in for a two-point conversion. Only after the announcers were already going nuts did they bother to cut the camera to the pile of jubilant BSU players in the end zone. Thanks ESPN, for giving me approximately as much information as the twitter feed of a randomly selected Boise student would have: "@ducksfan omgomgomgomg td broncos we r so going 2 the champinship gm u suck". And wait, just in case you thought that was all, ESPN has a whole extra can of dicking-over to open on your ass. It turns out that only the cameraman in the far end zone (whose camera is, presumably fixed and unable to be pointed at anything other than the field) was actually filming the play, so the limit of the replay they can provide is a 2-second telephoto shot of some blue guys running around on a blue field and eventually falling onto some orange stuff. Great.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is this: SHOW. ME. FOOTBALL. PLZ. K. THX. <3. BARNES.

The next time I see a shot of someone in an orange and blue Elvis mask waving a sign that says "cook/roast/grill/bake/consommeify those ducks" while there is anything more exciting than the punters warming up on the field, I am going to fly to Idaho and turn the blue turf red.

On second thought, just ditch the Kenny Chesney, and we'll call it even.

I haven't used the 'badgers' tag in a while

2009-09-01T19:35:00.003-04:00

To remedy this, I have googled badgers and decided to link to the first interesting thing that came up. And, lucky me, it even happened to involve football:

Badgers survive scare from artichokes

Exercise for the reader: Please attempt to recreate the thought process that led some institution of higher education in Scottsdale to select an artichoke as its mascot. Possible answers could include but need not be limited to food poisoning scares, an artichoke farming tycoon alumnus or an extremely scanty selection at the local mascot costume store.

Extra Credit: Come up with a more encouraging nickname for Scottsdale's athletic teams than the 'Chokes. Scatological answers will not receive credit.

EDIT: Speaking of animals I find inexplicably amusing, the internet is a wonderful thing. I mean, twenty years ago, what would you have done if you wanted a video of a capybara eating a popsicle? I defy you to put that into a dewey decimal classification.

Rafael Nadal is becoming a melon.

2009-09-01T19:29:00.004-04:00

Ford and I thought we had a couple more years before he did that. Guess not.

And no, I don't ever get tired of mocking the things that bring other people joy, thanks for asking.

What has Andy Murray, Will Ferrel, Gob from Arrested Development, half of Kenan and Kel and Andy Roddick?

2009-09-01T00:00:00.002-04:00

If you guessed the U.S. Open's celebrity doubles game, you'd be right!

And the show has reached a new low

2009-08-31T20:24:00.005-04:00

Pretty much anyone who's been unfortunate enough to talk to me in the last few weeks knows that I've been somewhat on the warpath regarding the misuse of homophones in print. Since this was already ably catalogued at angry-face, I'll resist the urge to deliver the full brunt of my fiery wrath, but I can't let this most recent instance pass without comment. I'm willing to admit that up until now, all of the offending passages have employed words which are, while not obscure to my mind, hardly the sort of thing you're likely to run across in a first-grade reader, making their confusion at least understandable, if still stupid and warranting a solid club upside the head with a nail-studded cudgel. But then ESPN ran the following headline:

"Well...'eye' is a letter, isn't it?"

I love these polls.

2009-08-25T18:08:00.004-04:00

Yes, I know I post a lot of these silly ESPN polls. But I LOOOOVE THEM!!!! This one is especially funny, I think, since it's a great example of one of my favorite subjects:

Desperate fans with little grasp on reality.

Now, for those of you who aren't following the end of the baseball season, the Rockies are just about the hottest team in baseball, but unfortunately for them, are in the same division at the Dodgers, who were the hottest team in baseball for a long time earlier in the season. The Yankees are really hot right now, as well, but they're in the AL, and everyone knows the AL sucks. Something about the DH.

Anyway, the Rockies are sitting pretty at the top of the NL wild-card, 4 games up on the Giants (wtf, NL West). The Dodgers are cooling off, though, leaving them with only a 3 game lead going into a three-game series with the Rockies this week. So, the Rockies could feasibly win either the wild-card or the division. One of which will probably happen, although there's still plenty of baseball to play.

That explains the blue Colorado. Now the funny part. Georgia. Oh those Braves fans... The Braves are currently in 3rd in the wild-card race, 7 games back from the Rock's and 7 games back in the NL East behind the Phillies. Apparently, though, the Braves fans see that 7 game lead of the Phillies to be completely insurmountable, and are relying on the wild-card to make the playoffs. Even though they have to hope that the Giants, Rockies, and Dodgers all blow it. This is funny.

Oh yeah. And the Nats are only 27 games out of the wild-card. I BELIEVE.

For once, a story that lives up to its headline

2009-08-24T16:18:00.004-04:00

You have to figure that any story with the headline, "Oh, there's a Favre goat in my trunk..." has got nowhere to go but downhill, but oh man, would you ever be wrong:

Winona, Minn. (AP) -- A woman on her way to St. Paul really got the goat of auto repairman James Prusci. She went to Tires Plus in Winona Friday, wanting a belt replaced on her Chevy Malibu. While he was doing paperwork, she said she had a goat in her trunk. "A what?" he asked. She told him she planned to butcher it.
It was painted Minnesota Viking colors -- purple and gold -- with Brett Favre's No. 4 shaved on its side. Favre made his Vikings debut Friday in a preseason game.
Prusci called animal control, which took the goat to a local vet. He was renamed Brett and placed in foster care.
Animal control officer Wendy Peterson said Monday the city attorney was reviewing the case for possible citations.

I am completely and utterly without words.

Kyle Orton has been watching a little too much of The Princess Bride

2009-08-24T12:27:00.010-04:00

Orton: Admit it, you're better than I am.
Seahawks Defense: Then why are you smiling?
Orton: Because I know something you don't know.
Seahawks Defense: And what is that?
Orton: I...am not right-handed!

Bonus Kyle Orton/Princess Bride moments:
"Rodents of unusual size? I don't think they exist!"

No! Not to fifty!

Farmboy!

I am waiting for you, Fezzini. You said to go back to the beginning, so here I am, and this is where I will stay! .....I am waiting....for Fezzini.

Please consider me as an alternative to suicide.

Ethan Albright is angry

2009-08-24T00:30:00.002-04:00

While looking at a blog entitled "Letters From Crazy People" (promising concept, but unfortunately it falls well short of its potential), I found this letter purporting to be from Ethan Albright. Ethan Albright probably isn't a household name for most, but I instantly knew him as the NFL player with the single worst overall rating in Madden '07. Well, it would appear that he's not happy about it, because he (supposedly) wrote a letter to John Madden expressing his displeasure.

Read it HERE.

My favorite quote: "If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut."

Jerry Jones paves the way yet again

2009-08-22T11:10:00.002-04:00

From ESPN.com: Titans' Kicker exposes problem in Cowboys Stadium

The Tennessee Titans felt they exposed a major flaw in Cowboys Stadium during the first football game played in the building when reserve punter A.J. Trapasso hit the gigantic HD screen that hangs over the field.

Oh dear, that sure seems like a problem, doesn't it? But I'm sure Jerry Jones will have a solution just as disproportionate as the rest of the stadium, like attaching rocket engines to the scoreboard which will fire during kicks and cause it to hover somewhat higher, or maybe putting hydraulic lifts under the field and sinking it lower.

But after a 30-10 Dallas win, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he doesn't think it is an issue.

Well, Jerry Jones is pretty well-respected throughout the league, I'm sure that everyone else will agree with his judgment on the matter.

"It's an issue, yeah," said Fisher, who serves as co-chairmen of the NFL's competition committee.

I can't really say I think that fisher (or Trapasso) is in the wrong here. I mean, really, how did nobody realize that sometimes during football games the ball goes up the air. But Jones probably understands the problem now and is willing make amends

Jones said a punter needed to kick the ball "straight up and hard" to have any chance of making contact with the board. He didn't understand why anyone would take that approach.

Hmmm, kicking the ball high and far, almost like you're trying to make it land as far downfield as possible? Nope, I can't think of a reason either. Guess we just have to hope it doesn't happen too often, right?

Jones implied that having the video board in play provided an "entertainment value" and that both teams would have to deal with it.

Now that is groundbreaking right there. Not only is this not an inconvenience, it provides entertainment value. Think about the myriad uses for this excuse!. The knee-exploding turf in the Edward Jones Dome? Adds excitement and a sense of suspense! One of your uprights falls over? A unique kicking challenge not available in any other stadium! Al Davis leaves his golf cart parked in the end zone? An exciting extra obstacle for the offense to plan around! Bill Belichick steals all your signals? Think of the added publicity your team will get in the ensuing controversy! I tell you, this could be revolutionary.

Ho hum, something else outlandish and absurd about the Cowboys' new stadium

2009-08-21T13:03:00.002-04:00

Jerry Jones knows that when you think football, you think concept art. In related news, Tony Romo would like us all to know that his botched hold on that extra point was actually a piece of performance art entitled "Pursuit of a Fleeting Dream in the Face of a Malign Universe" that nobody else appreciated because he is years ahead of his time.

Awkward Announcer Moment of the Day

2009-08-20T23:18:00.003-04:00

Daryl Johnston and Kenny Albert were broadcasting the Eagles/Colts game from Looks Like A Barn Stadium and, following the Colts' totally meaningful victory, they were setting off fireworks in the rafters. Kenny was attempting to do the production team credits, when suddenly out of nowhere, Darly Johnston actually yells, "I LOVE INDOOR PYROTECHNICS, KENNY!" It pretty much threw Kenny off his game for a good 5 seconds, and there was just dead silence. After that, I sure am looking forward to the next football game featuring the broadcasting team of Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano. I'm not sure where Tony Siragusa was all game, but I think I heard one of the other two mention that he couldn't be there due to personal circumstances, but they had set up a fitting tribute to him on the sideline. Translation: Siragusa was unable to find any pants in his closet that he could button, so they just took all the spoiled food from the concession stands, piled it on the sidelines and forced random benchwarmers to make small talk with it.

Everyone knows Chad Ochocinco can't kick for shit...don't they?

2009-08-20T21:41:00.004-04:00

Chad Ochocinco kicks an extra point versus the Patriots. No really. No word yet on whether or not he was also the holder. Video HERE.

ELLIS HOBBS JUST GOT OWNED BY REGGIE WAYNE ROFL

2009-08-20T20:35:00.004-04:00

Who falls for a behind the back juke like that? Seriously? Your ass is cut, Ellis Hobbs III.

ROFL.

EDIT: On replay, that may actually have been Quintin Demps. Or maybe someone wearing #38 who isn't on the Eagles' roster.

Video HERE around 2:40